I think I like myself better when I smoke. I have something to distract myself with. Something occupying. I can stare off, have deep thought, and not feel alone or bored. When talking to people I have something to do with my hands. It gives me something to look forward to. It makes me happy. I can't imagine a world where I do not have a vice (be it smoking cigarettes, pot, drinking too much, or obsessing over food). I know that I should love myself better as a healthy non-smoker who does not have a codependency. But I have such a hard time seeing that as a possibility, it seems so much easier to revert. At least I know that will give me instant gratification. Imagining my life without chemical dependence or anxiety issues is like looking through a foggy mirror. I can only see traces of life, rough around the edges, but not enough to cling onto. Not enough to pull me through into a reality.

Things to love about life via Tiny Buddha.com

1. Love.

2. Family.

3. Just being able to wake up to the sun shining in the morning.

4. The ability to overcome hardships and appreciate what I already have instead of wishing I had more.

5. Our ability to empathize. It allows us to connect and support each.

6. The ridiculous things my dog and cats do. They live in the moment and enjoy being alive, and it reminds me to do the same.

7. That I am someone who makes a real difference in the world. (Marlu A Soria)

8.Moments of realization that I’m not as alone as I too often think I am.

10. Every breath I take reminds me I’m still here and still have much to enjoy.

11. The ones who never give up on me.

12. Positive and creative people.

13. I love the moments when more than one person ‘get’s’ the illusory joke and for a moment sees that we are one.

14. The love and support of my life partner.

15. Being alive and happy at this moment because is the only thing that exists.

16. Affecting people without realizing it.

17. The beauty of it. No matter how bad things get, there is always something beautiful to keep us going forward.

18. All the funny people.

19. Hope.

20. The unexpected things.

21. That every moment in life is a chance for a new beginning.

22. Creating abundant joy is what I love most about life.

23. The diversity that everyone brings to the table.

24. Trying new things.

25. The amazing way the universe can materialize just what you need.

26. The way life’s traumas end up making the good times even sweeter.

27. Second chances.

29. Freedom of choice!

30. Everyday is another chance to get it right.

31. Seeing small plants start to bud and grow.

32. It’s the little things that matter the most to me, like kisses on my forehead.

33. I love the fact that I can see only love around me.

34. People, nature, animals—everything.

35. Opportunities to start all over again.

36. Good food, good friends, good health, and a good night’s sleep!

37. Smiles and laughter.

38. Being free to do what I want when I want how I want.

39. How there are many paths to happiness, not just one.

40. The fact that nothing is permanent. You can always change what you don’t like.

41. All the free things like air, fresh water, kisses from my love, a hug from my boyfriend, learning from other people, observing nature and smelling flowers.

42. That we never really know what’s going to happen next.

43. Music.

44. The spontaneous and unexpected, if it’s positive.

45. Knowing the difference between being alive and living.

46. The incredible beauty that surrounds us if we look.

47. Small moments of enlightenment that show you the path towards being a more fulfilled and compassionate human being.

48. Quiet time.

49. Being at peace.

50. All of you.

Via http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-shapiro/addiction-book_b_1375658.html#s808679&title=Start_writing

'To quit an addiction, start writing every day, whether it's in a journal, a loose-leaf notebook, a desktop computer, or an iPad. Jot down your feelings, your food or drug intake, your plans, or poems, songs, or adages you like. Get specific about your habits. Instead of identifying "smoking," admit that you've "smoked a pack a day of Marlboros for twenty years" and all the methods you've tried to quit in the past. "Overeating" is too general; emulate the novel Bridget Jones' Diary and detail: "pigged out on cookies at 2:00 AM again." ' Quitting smoking. Not even going to say "trying" because that would be a cop-out. I AM quitting. Starting this morning, when I woke up and decided "today is the day." For some reason having my mother tell me over and over again how unhealthy smoking is, and that quitting is just a matter of willpower- what really inspired me to stop was when someone told me I couldn't. I coworker (who is a smoker) told me quitting was impossible. When I heard these words, I knew I had to prove him wrong. I had to prove to myself that I could do it. It's crazy how much time we spend thinking about problems created by our own minds. Perpetuated by our own fear that we are perpetuating them- all by ourselves. Fear of not being able to control our own minds. This makes it nearly impossible to view the world in anything but subjective horror. Stepping back, proving that fear is a mind killer that we CAN control, will unleash that innate ability to see and feel and love and live outside the realm of self-hindering and sabotaging.

Back to the huffington post pointers, I smoke anywhere from 10 to 30 cigarettes a day. I smoke when I wake up, any time I'm in the car, after I eat, after I work out, when I'm stressed, when I'm bored, before bed. Basically all the time to keep busy. As a distraction.

I haven't smoked 1 cigarette yet today and it's 2pm. I'm going to make it through the day and go again tomorrow. I've had a bowl of cereal, a 1/2 of a chicken quesadilla, and a diet coke. I will work out at the gym after work and then make spaghetti with meat sauce for Paul and his mother.

Paul is going to quit *eventually* but for now he will just not smoke around me. It's going to be very difficult. All of my friends smoke, my boyfriend smokes, and all of my favorite bars and restaurants allow smoking (maybe that's why they're my favorites?) I'm not sure how this transition will affect my social life and my level of loneliness. Changes will certainly be necessary, but at least this won't last forever. I will feel strong in my decision and triumph over the temptation. Then I will be able to see my friends and expose myself to smoke without fearing myself. I should never fear myself.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing to do.

No amount of love can or should change a person.

We all want to believe that by being hard on ourselves, we will somehow become a better person. In reality, I think this synthesis is incorrect, as it is only our own self love that we can depend on. If we rush, pressure and struggle with ourselves, who will be there to comfort, reassure and stop us? No one.

If we're looking to be entirely self sufficient beings, we must be gentle with ourselves. If we are looking to not rely on the support and love of another (as we never should), we should be that support and reliance for ourselves (what we are looking so desperately for existed in us all along).

We are good at hurting ourselves, if at nothing else. But we do this in such a way that we are really only crying out for love- a savior. Someone else to answer our questions.

No such person exists. No one can answer our questions better than ourselves.

Things are funny, they make us laugh, yet they are delusions of pieces we are missing.

Do we really know how to care for ourselves? Or in such cases of solitude, do we purposely believe/make ourselves be "a mess" so that we garner attention, cries of concern, and even love? (or simply use this as an excuse to justify misguided behavior?)

Poor lost puppy. I can see the situation objectively. Even if I am just as (if not more) lost than you, I can still feel good about imparting you with a few words of trite wisdom- and you in return feel cared about.

It's such a game. The compassion game. Empty ourselves onto a canvas, call it chaos, call it whatever it takes to ensure guidance from another. Always searching, struggling for that make believe pinnacle of existence and self esteem that leads us ultimately to uncaring (enlightenment).

We don't want to hear ourselves speak or think anymore. We wish there could be someone else, more slick, more intelligence, more purposeful than us in our place.

This is an illusion. Not only does this ultimate person NOT exist (without flaws, without the same wish to be someone else), but it is pointless and even detrimental to continue on this line of thought. We are really only preventing ourselves from being that ultimate person. Measuring, calculating, judging our own actions, we limit our actions. We can never be ourselves even to ourselves.

We can't reveal our true face to the mirror of self perception, at least not through this filter of what-if's and might-have-beens. We must stop, process, accept, and move on. Not just change, but GROW.

The clouds spoke to me in waves.

A secret unlocked is a secret freed.

Namaste

The God inside will carry me through.

Here & Now.
The river is everywhere at once, only the present exists.
Let thoughts flow through me

Remember and nurture your inner God.


(Accept yourself, in flux is the best time to find your stable self, the true essence that exists no matter where or what you're doing- its easiest to see when you're in a transformative period)