Truth be told, I've tried my best- until this point, but where am I now? A comfortable glimmer of domesticity, a house with 2.5 animals and 2 roommates, a salary and benefits, yet still unfulfilled. Maybe trying isn't what I should be doing- rather DOING and less trying. The only problem is focusing that energy- that seemingly pointless ramble and subconscious fuzz into some practical, executable idea. Ideas are easy to create and so hard to execute. There seems to be nothing in this world not worth the effort. And yet effort is so straining, and the effort to live daily in this "domestic harmony" is effort enough to make me want to sleep forever.
It all comes down to what you get out of it. I get stability and financial security. Yet what can really be stable in an environment of stagnation and constant doubt? I miss out on willing and new companionship, spontaneity, fulfillment of a restless and youthful soul. I want to see the world and this microcosm of existence is apparently not enough. I want to write and paint and teach and learn, and this corporate slavery is dwindling my creative capacity and ability/desire to yearn for more.
Autocorrect, autofix, spell check like a good little girl or boy. Expect the world, machinery, mindless drones to fix your mistakes- when in reality they might be making things worse. Restricting a natural impulse to create and use artistic license- to manipulate normality in order to fulfill an inner desire for something more than what already exists.
I remember as a child hopping on one leg, rubbing my tummy and blabbering nonsense while spinning in circles in a random location- just for the novel idea what I might be the first person to do that succession of actions in that exact place. To be unique. I would sit on the bus going to school and look out the window at the mundane banality of it all- the same old man mowing his lawn at the same time, the same woman sitting on a lounge chair with her tanning spray, the same little dog chasing the mailman- hoping one of them would for once do something new.
Is it that we are afraid of "the new"? Or that we are so terribly happy with "the known?" I would get so sad thinking about the world and exploration- that there was nothing else to geographically chart or discover, that I had been born in an era when knowledge was all-encompassing and readily available without any sort of struggle or sense of reward. I wanted to discover things, be unique- find a new language, continent, species. I wanted to do whatever it took to be "the first" at anything. But everything has already been done, every possible thought written down, every acre explored.
At least, that's what they want us to think. What is far less often considered is that as the world and society transform, so too do our subconscious urges, or thoughts, and our actions. Why should we not think of unique ideas when faced with the real possibility of recreational space travel, robot uprisings, cyber-human integration? Did not the Greeks think up unique ideas on government, art, and leisure when faced with the ability to actually consider and encounter these new ideals of society? Encounters and experiences constantly transform as the world progresses (or regresses, based on personal opinion), so why should thought not follow suit?
Always beat the world to the kick- always surmise possibilities and future advances before their physical instatement. This is not premonitory- this is common sense, intuition and a knack for imagining the uncanny. If we are all trapped in this mindset that everything which will ever be discovered, created or thought already has- what is the point of progressing with a creative, abstract-oriented mind in this world? We must keep believing in the unknown, in the impossible and re-imagining the possible- for that might be what ultimately helps us find ourselves.
Every second is new and with each new second comes new possibilities which transform and reinvent our lives and state of consciousness. Maybe I am the first person to sit in this exact spot, with this exact cup of coffee and these exact fingers thinking and typing these words. Maybe that is unique and fulfilling enough. Clinging to the past moment is only stifling inner potential, while seeking out and actively envisioning a new world latent with new ideals will produce an evolved and fulfilled consciousness.
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