I think I like myself better when I smoke. I have something to distract myself with. Something occupying. I can stare off, have deep thought, and not feel alone or bored. When talking to people I have something to do with my hands. It gives me something to look forward to. It makes me happy. I can't imagine a world where I do not have a vice (be it smoking cigarettes, pot, drinking too much, or obsessing over food). I know that I should love myself better as a healthy non-smoker who does not have a codependency. But I have such a hard time seeing that as a possibility, it seems so much easier to revert. At least I know that will give me instant gratification. Imagining my life without chemical dependence or anxiety issues is like looking through a foggy mirror. I can only see traces of life, rough around the edges, but not enough to cling onto. Not enough to pull me through into a reality.