'To quit an addiction, start writing every day, whether it's in a journal, a loose-leaf notebook, a desktop computer, or an iPad. Jot down your feelings, your food or drug intake, your plans, or poems, songs, or adages you like. Get specific about your habits. Instead of identifying "smoking," admit that you've "smoked a pack a day of Marlboros for twenty years" and all the methods you've tried to quit in the past. "Overeating" is too general; emulate the novel Bridget Jones' Diary and detail: "pigged out on cookies at 2:00 AM again." ' Quitting smoking. Not even going to say "trying" because that would be a cop-out. I AM quitting. Starting this morning, when I woke up and decided "today is the day." For some reason having my mother tell me over and over again how unhealthy smoking is, and that quitting is just a matter of willpower- what really inspired me to stop was when someone told me I couldn't. I coworker (who is a smoker) told me quitting was impossible. When I heard these words, I knew I had to prove him wrong. I had to prove to myself that I could do it. It's crazy how much time we spend thinking about problems created by our own minds. Perpetuated by our own fear that we are perpetuating them- all by ourselves. Fear of not being able to control our own minds. This makes it nearly impossible to view the world in anything but subjective horror. Stepping back, proving that fear is a mind killer that we CAN control, will unleash that innate ability to see and feel and love and live outside the realm of self-hindering and sabotaging.
Back to the huffington post pointers, I smoke anywhere from 10 to 30 cigarettes a day. I smoke when I wake up, any time I'm in the car, after I eat, after I work out, when I'm stressed, when I'm bored, before bed. Basically all the time to keep busy. As a distraction.
I haven't smoked 1 cigarette yet today and it's 2pm. I'm going to make it through the day and go again tomorrow. I've had a bowl of cereal, a 1/2 of a chicken quesadilla, and a diet coke. I will work out at the gym after work and then make spaghetti with meat sauce for Paul and his mother.
Paul is going to quit *eventually* but for now he will just not smoke around me. It's going to be very difficult. All of my friends smoke, my boyfriend smokes, and all of my favorite bars and restaurants allow smoking (maybe that's why they're my favorites?) I'm not sure how this transition will affect my social life and my level of loneliness. Changes will certainly be necessary, but at least this won't last forever. I will feel strong in my decision and triumph over the temptation. Then I will be able to see my friends and expose myself to smoke without fearing myself. I should never fear myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment